Tag Archives: fear

My Hardest Day So Far

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I remember the fear, anger and loneliness I felt the day the doctor gave his official diagnosis of Progressive Degenerative Impairment evolving into Alzheimer’s or an FTD. Hearing those words, created a flood of emotions and questions, but I couldn’t react.
Having lost the ability to multitask, perform simple math, or follow instructions, combined with a decline in verbal communication and comprehension; deep down, I think I already knew. The doctors were just giving it a label. As a career person, being told I would not be able to maintain a successful career, it felt like my life was ending. So I turned to my music and found comfort in singing about the fears.
My most difficult day of this illness was on Aug 17th. From the time I was 11, music has been my outlet – for joy, sadness, heartbreak and fun. I have been able to express myself playing my guitar (“Olivia”), writing songs, singing and performing. On that day, when I picked up Olivia to sing in Church, it seemed like a foreign object. I couldn’t remember how to hold it, much less how to play. I felt like my very essence had been drained – my soul had been ripped out. How could I express my love, a beautiful sky, a heartache, or make people smile, without my songs and Olivia? How could I live without my music?
hoppity Hop 3
Two months later, at times I can remember how to play and combine the chords and the words, but it is becoming less. Now more than ever, I long to be able to take Olivia and write about this disease, to cry and laugh and find comfort in her strings. Instead, I listen to the songs of the birds outside my window, the screech of the barn owl or the cries of the baby fox. I don’t think I ever listened to them before – perhaps, God is trying to open my ears, eyes and heart to new things. I will start to listen more carefully.

Love & Laughter,  Laurie

Written By Laurie Scherrer

With Dementia The Hardest Part IS Knowing

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In many cases, the hardest part of an illness, is not knowing – waiting for those test results to come back. I used to say; “I can deal with anything – once I know what it is.” With dementia, the hard part IS knowing; knowing what you may do to your family, that they may not be able to care for you alone, that the person you are may totally change.

Although we may not talk about it, people with dementia battle with the constant fears of what we know this disease does. We deal with knowing that some day we may become mean, be incapable of making decisions, loose control of our body functions – and even worse our words and emotions. We cry and pray that we will not hurt or forget our loved ones, and yet know we probably will.
We watch our friends, and sometimes family, turn away – unable or unwilling to cope with the changes. And feel the hurt that causes our caregivers. We long for the days when we could read a book and understand what we read, entertain friends without getting overwhelmed, carry on a conversation without feeling lost, and complete a task without getting frustrated. And know those days will never return.
To be aware of dementia – you need to be aware that we often know what is happening to us and how it is impacting those around us. It hurts not being able to control these changes.
I have decided to grasp ever day of sunshine, knowing that someday I may not be able to walk alone. To find one blessing each day and share it with others, in hopes they will pass one on. And to avoid unnecessary turmoil and negativity so I can stay positive . And to say “Thank You” and “I Love You” often, so it will be remembered.
Caregivers – thank you, from all us.

Love & Laughter, Laurie