Tag Archives: comprehend

Last Night I Wept

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Last night I wept.  I wept with an uncontrollable cry that consumed my throat, my heart and my gut.  Wrenching from me the feelings of guilt, loss and fear that have been held inside and stripping away every ounce of joy and hope.  I wept for the loss of my plans and dreams for life. I wept because I know I am no longer what or who I was and am afraid of not being able to control the evolving me.  I wept for loosTear is made up of.ing my freedom to get into the car and go & do whatever/whenever. I wept for the lost memories that now are only photographs to me. I wept for the financial burdens this has brought. I wept for my family and the changes they will have to make and the challenges they will have to endure.

There was no consoling me for there was no comfort for the overwhelming grief of what was and what is to come. I wept until my shaking body gave in to exhaustion and I drifted to sleep.

Dementia (Alzheimer’s, FTD, LBD, etc.) doesn’t just happen over night. It slowly robs us of our past, our present and our future. Bit by bit taking away the person we were as it slowly eats away our brain. I can longer be the Laurie I was. It has robbed me of the ability to have a successful career, entertain large groups, enjoy parties, drive to see friends or relatives, or even keep up with household tasks.

It would have been easier, if I didn’t have the transition of knowing what is happening to me. It is difficult seeing myself become less responsible and more dependent. It is frustrating when confusion takes over my ability to reason, think, communicate and comprehend. I am still Laurie, however I know by the way people treat me and by the way I react, I am different – I am changing. And at times I am afraid. And at times, I weep.

Today, I rejoice. The weeping is over, the day is new and I am so thankful for all the things I can still share and accomplish. I’m thankful I can laugh with Aunt Joyce while getting a manicure, and laugh with Roy over the beautiful colors of the huge bruise on my butt (fell on ice), and laugh with Becky over the ridiculously difficult puzzle I gave her. I’m thankful there is joy in the little things.

I’m sure my emotions will once again invade my happy space and require some grieving time, but not today. Today, I am going to laugh and enjoy all the beauty in my life.   Know any good jokes?

Love & Laughs,

Laurie

Written By Laurie Scherrer

My Hardest Day So Far

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I remember the fear, anger and loneliness I felt the day the doctor gave his official diagnosis of Progressive Degenerative Impairment evolving into Alzheimer’s or an FTD. Hearing those words, created a flood of emotions and questions, but I couldn’t react.
Having lost the ability to multitask, perform simple math, or follow instructions, combined with a decline in verbal communication and comprehension; deep down, I think I already knew. The doctors were just giving it a label. As a career person, being told I would not be able to maintain a successful career, it felt like my life was ending. So I turned to my music and found comfort in singing about the fears.
My most difficult day of this illness was on Aug 17th. From the time I was 11, music has been my outlet – for joy, sadness, heartbreak and fun. I have been able to express myself playing my guitar (“Olivia”), writing songs, singing and performing. On that day, when I picked up Olivia to sing in Church, it seemed like a foreign object. I couldn’t remember how to hold it, much less how to play. I felt like my very essence had been drained – my soul had been ripped out. How could I express my love, a beautiful sky, a heartache, or make people smile, without my songs and Olivia? How could I live without my music?
hoppity Hop 3
Two months later, at times I can remember how to play and combine the chords and the words, but it is becoming less. Now more than ever, I long to be able to take Olivia and write about this disease, to cry and laugh and find comfort in her strings. Instead, I listen to the songs of the birds outside my window, the screech of the barn owl or the cries of the baby fox. I don’t think I ever listened to them before – perhaps, God is trying to open my ears, eyes and heart to new things. I will start to listen more carefully.

Love & Laughter,  Laurie

Written By Laurie Scherrer